Was watching some video [won't spoil it for you] whereby a person had to purposely make someone he loves stay at home because he wanted to protect her from being killed that very night. He knew the future and thus had to ensure her survival by forcing that decision upon her.
A supporting role then told him, "You know, she'll probably hate you for the rest of her life because of this"... and to which he replied, "I hope so".... it was quite a painful scene watchin him having to deliberately do what he didn't want to do so that in the end, she benefits... and then later on, he had to fake that he didn't know something and so did she and the conversation that went on between the two was heart wrenching coz both are like hurting but yet they can't show it...
It was quite a sad moment while watching the video. That you can or might have to choose to do something you don't want to do and you know that other person wouldn't want to do it too.. but you have to coz in the end, it's the best way or the safest way... to torture yourself so that the other person benefits from it whether knowingly or not. Phew. painful.
could you miss a person so much for so long till you grow numb to missing them? would you forget after a while and would the pain of not seeing them slowly go away?
I had this real weird dream today... k k, i always have weird dreams.. but it jus popped into my head as i'm sitting here eating breakfast.. totally forgot bout it when i woke... but it goes something like this...
I was with a group of frens [dunno who] and we were somehow visiting Qiang. The place he lived in was like... beyond jia lat.. it was like rocks everywhere and a hill.. some funny tunnel that we had to go thru before we reached his little trailer/house thingy. hahhaa... super funny.. then when we went in, there were people like Sharon [visiting him as well] and about 4 more people who apparently were other attachment people. haha well then we asked him to show us his room and all [and i tell you, the place inside was like some small motel with nothing lor! haha] So we walked into his room and there was like this small room la... like a small toilet can! haha... and then there was this bed that's like 4 deckered bed... lol... you should have seen the matress can. SUPER SMALL... hahaha... then i asked his which level he slept on and he was on the 3rd level but when he lay down to show me how he sleeps, it's like only his torso's on the matress, the rest of his body is hanging out. ahaha.. sigh, why do i picture his life there like some begger? hmm oh, and there was one computer next to the beds... one. :)
Yeh, nothing much la... jus wanted to blog about this humourous dream i had... sigh. come back qiang. sniff. :) chinese new year post below!
Happy CNY to everyone! Whee! bring in the bacon... literally... i mean, come on, the highlights of cny HAS to be stuff like NIAN GAO... BA KUA... and all the nice nice goodies that i didn't hesitate in gorging myself with today... it was fun eating and seeing stuff you dun normally see on non-cny days... like red everywhere, people dressed up and stuff. :)
Church was cool. Managed to get alone time with God again. guess that's why i enjoy services... coz i have my little seat there in the front side... where no one else dares to sit [dunch know why. maybe it's coz i'm there]... but in the time i'm there, mostly dun get bothered by people unless thru sms... esp coz yuan was conducting and tricia was playing so the front row was occupied by me at one side and adrian at the other... a wide open gap in the between us both. haha... Tricia dressed well today.. but i felt the birthday girl topped the charts... she should.. considering how it's her weekend. Yeh, anyways, it was quite an ok service to me... didn't feel smashingly wowed by it today and felt that it might even have been a bit rushed... trying to please and satisfy all the families that were jus waiting to go bai nian... sigh.. kinda sad how people can sumtimes put other things above God and only give Him wad's bare necessary... but well, i'm like that sometimes too. So that was that for service.. managed to jus chill and hang with eunice and wei-en for a bit after service... guess it's time to start really talkin to people i can talk to or should talk to... rather than standin one corner and wondering where all my peers have gone to. haha... Didn't even come into the fellowship hall today can... save for a short while to jus do a walk thru [i think]... that's bout it... dun even talk bout talking to the youths. :) Almost left without saying my wishes and greetings to her. thank goodness i managed to spot that bright pink jus before i left. turning back and giving my fleeting wishes was worth it. it was funny, i glanced at my family rushing to the car and then i glanced back at her and realized it's sumthing i needed to do. after all, she's done so much for me... So in that split second, i walked away from my family to shake the hand of my only other family i knew in church. and then i went back and left church. dropped her an sms to remind her of what she meant to me and how i'm glad that nothin much has changed between us and them.
heh.. funny how small things can be so impt to you and such a whim and fancy thing to others...
The rest of the day was basically jus watching movies and movies in grandma's house and cousin's house.. i tell you, to me, this year's CNY celebrations have jus meant movie marathon... dvd that is haha... :) but it's still fun i guess... realized that i dunno whether the next generation's going to be able to still stay strong and bonded. only time will tell.
Yup... that's it from me from day 1. :)
it's been 4 weeks now. 4 weeks. today i struggled so hard. :) A single message would have been great. They say absence makes the heart grow stronger. i feel my heart growing colder. Loved your outfit, but only i'll know that. Ah!
just sold flags from 12-3 with Nicholas at Tampines Mall... it was really fun... Volunteer basis la so there's no salary or CIP hours to collect.. jus a fulfilling time of standing around. :)
Though it was kinda sian to get ignored, siam-ed and brushed off, there were times when my heart was indeed lifted up. Whenever a small kid comes running to me or cautiously approaching me with their money in hand, i would bend down with a beam on my face and say a bright big thank you. As they come to put their money in and get a sticker in return, it jus makes me feel so good and happy that i'm doing this flag day thing... it makes it all worthwhile i guess... seeing their smiles or innocent faces. :) Kinda makes me think that to them, they feel they might be saving the world or sumthing.. like their 10cents matters to the entire human race and its struggle to survival... untainted by the world and it's evil snares, to the child... this is all that the world's about. :) to them, and to me at that point in time... we both echo the same words... "it's all that matters. that i did my bit for charity... for the world."
And then the next person shrugs you off or totally pretends they didn't hear you... then that snaps me back into reality. hahaha...
but it was fun. didn't wanna stop actually.. once the motor got running, it became indifferent to be rejected.. much to the point where i didn't really care who they were or what they said, if they didn't put money in, i'm jus gonna move on to the next person. :)
Yup, it was fun, fulfilling and an interesting way to spend 3 hours of my lunar new year's eve. Whee!. Happy Chinese New Year to everyone! Xin Nian Kwai Le!
***Updated below. Photos will be uploaded soon. When i get them.***
It's finally that time of the year again. When all the hearts are fluttering, all the eyes glazed over and all the florists rich...
Valentine's Day
Don't we all just LOVE this occasion? A date set aside on the Calendar of our busy schedules to take time to smell the roses. But we dun jus stop there, we pick it up and pass it to someone special. It's the day of the year all girlfrens look forward to, boyfrens save up for and couples spend together. When i walked thru Orchard today, it was quite fun seeing all the couples [JC kids and younger... sigh] walking hand in hand with a small $20+ bouquet of roses or flowers. Each girl with a smile on their face and each guy with a girl around his arms... it was nice. :) nice and saturnine... sweet was the word for today i guess...
Sweet, just the word i'd use to describe the Ice Cream a dear fren treated me to today... Pepper Lunch... nice ice cream, bad food [or so i hear]... You gotta try it [not the food]... but yeh, it was fun to know that i could still go out with a fren and be sure that there wasn't any funny thots in either of our heads about the day. :) It was funny and fun i guess to just meet up for that short span of time. thanks for the company while i waited for my basic theory test.
Yup, took it today... and passed. yayz. it was so nice seeing the big word PASSED after i clicked ok... talk bout relief. haha.. got my Advanced Theory test booked... same day as some frens who are retaking. aiyo. sounds tough... but hey, that's why not everyone's driving rite? :) Kinda hungry now...
Singles Supper Prata happening later again for the 2nd year running. yayz. haha we'll see who turns up this year... hope we can all spend our Vday with each other and God... and of course mr. Prata seller. haha.. :) i want prata.
Yup, so the mood today is good and happy. I mean, after getting half day off from work coz of some plans for tml that eats into our normal off, who wouldn't be happy. :) Work's going good.. fun fun... but sumone asked me b4 not to call it work but the Army... well, i would think calling it work would be less confusing... so yeh, Army [work] is good.. last few days as a trainee... using the best of it. :)
Now, that was a totally randomly typed out post... so unlike me to not structure anything... thots or words... guess after trying random........ I STILL LIKE STRUCTURE. hahaha. :)
Happy Valentine's Day / Friendship Day everyone! ************************************************************************************
*** Single's Supper was great. Though i waited by myself at the prata place for one hour coz everyone was friggin' late... it was still better than doing nothing. It was kinda fun jus hanging out even if the TV did get a lot of attention, the time we spent just laughing about everything, it was fun.... plus, we all share something special, we're all Singles. :) 14/2=7 [140207] Photos will be up soon!***
Perhaps he'll never again open his heart. Perhaps he'll never expect her to ever start. Perhaps he'll realize that it's better to hurt early. Perhaps he'll be loved by her, surely.
Perhaps she'll wonder how come it's been so long. Perhaps she'll miss him with feelings so strong. Perhaps she'll figure out why he's doing this. Perhaps she'll see that ignorance could be bliss.
Perhaps they'll never speak the same way again. Perhaps they'll never recover from the strain. Perhaps they'll long and wish to be, from this pain, free. Perhaps they'll see, that maybe, they were never meant to be.
the 3 perhaps that could happen in a relationship turned cold and hard. just thots off the top of my head. i wonder whether it's painful for him to jus stop talkin to her the way he did. i wonder whether her realizing something's different in the way he talks would prompt her to really ask him whether anything's wrong.... and not take the first answer as his final answer. I hope she doesn't stop asking him coz we all know how the first answer's the defense mechanism. He'll fight within himself to be true to what he promised himself and yet he knows that no matter what he does, she still means too much to him to lose.
It made me think to myself... could you care for a person to the extent that you'd purposely slice yourself bit by bit out of a person's life so that their life would be better. say... you were the problem. would you? would i? :) only i know.
I realized today with no space for confusion that i've changed. Changed in one small aspect of my life that kinda shocked me a little. :) never thot i'd become what i am now in terms of this but i've noticed that it's quite obvious to me. what then are you asking? well, i no longer am part of the crowd or group... and it's done voluntarily i guess.
I'd rather sit one side, watch the group or people and jus smile to myself at what i'm watching or looking at. Maybe it's part of me to observe now since i'm moving away... from the yf, from sch friends... from army friends... whatever it is, i feel that sometimes, i can jus sit back, watch and thank God at what the group is now. I guess it's like stopping to smell the roses... but i'm mostly glad at what i see la. :)
Today i found myself doing that three times. and all of it was unconsciously. Once was during YF when i sat back at watched Yuan close the YF and the YFers all paying attention to the challenges he was issuing and feeling the conviction within themselves to Evangelize. Second time was after YF when the guys [Nick, Hens, Ben, Adrian, Shawn] were playin ping pong. Partly coz i had blisters on my feet [owwie!] but i didn't wanna play too. So i sat there for a while with my music in my ears [you'll know wad music later] and i just watched them have fun, laugh and share their youth with each other. :) Third was at a fren's 21st birthday. It's like a re-union for poly friends la... and i sat back after gathering all the updates from everyone. Girls are in Unis, Guys mostly in the army. Watchin them and seeing how somethings changed and some haven't... it was kinda nice to observe them just joking and being fun and all. :)
Guess now i draw strength from knowing things are going well and fine. :) Part of me also knows that this thot will one day [sooner than i think] lead me to think that i'm ready to leave. Whether it's in an extreme case or just in small bits like leaving yf to yaf... not impt... it's whether i'm willing to be humble enuf to know that it doesn't really matter if i leave or not, coz it's all in God's hands... and not mine. :) Just glad that He's preparing my heart and me to slowly de-root myself from stuff like YF. Maybe that's why He's taken all my peers away one by one. I've always complained to Him about that, now i see why He did so. Heh. how short sighted Rui is.
I'd love for my wife to sing like Olivia Ong. This song is just being played over and over in my zen today... Sweet Memories by Olivia Ong. Here's the link...
Goodness, if someone were to sing this song to me in the same way, i'd drop down on my knees and propose on the spot can. Her voice is just so beautiful and soothing. Gosh... *rui's knees get weak and buckle under his already-jelly-like body* Yeh, so do hope you like this song and know that i love it. haha... p.s. She's Singaporean. :-s
Yup, on to the 2nd day of the weekend! wootz... one day jus flew by like that. :) haiz. haha
Sorry for the overkill of emo posts... but yeh, i haven't been the best of spirits lately. :) and whenever i blog, it's about something emo. :) well, to justify it, i haven't had the most joyous days lately so yeh. :)
YF yesterday was really great. dun wanna blog bout it coz i dun have the time and effort to do it... but yeh, it was very enriching. thank God.
Today, got reminded of sumthing today again. I know i'm always a giver in a relationship and that because of that, big or small relationships... i sumtimes still suffer. :) you put yourself on this rock and lift it up with hope jus to see it crashing down one day or sumthing like that... i guess i jus dun like to be disappointed and lots of times, i am. :) so yeh, trying not to be affected.
Just hate to waste weekends like this... or more specifically, sundays. but if you ask me what i would want to do... i wouldn't know either. maybe jus to hang with a fren to talk or drink coffee and chill. i admit, i'm getting old and dun like to do young people stuff anymore like go arcades, watch a movie, blading, table tennis, soccer.... or maybe it's jus this emo-tive time of the month/year/life. hhaha dunno. we'll see.
today was hmmm alrite. service was really great. being in praise team made quite a lot of difference and i really enjoyed and was blessed by the worship we had today. message was quite cool too... took down notes, sumthing i haven't been doing in a while. gotta get my butt off the chair and buy a notebook... can't keep using it as an excuse la. :)
p.s. Shawn, dun worry bout it. but thanks for helpin me a bit today. and dun think bout it la, i know wad to do. :)
*Edited the title coz someone thot this post was about relationship issues. it's not. :)*
Don't know if you'll ever read this. but you know wad i'm sorry about. i know that words can't even come close to helping.. but there's this emptiness within me when i think about you now. what i did to you. what i caused. what's going to happen now. You're going to go thru sh*t coz of me. all coz of me. really. from the deepest crevices of my heart. i'm sorry.
typing this after you left. i still feel like sh*t. really, although i was able to keep calm, composed and fine about it all, it'll start to really sink in tml. when i tell them about it. then it'll come like a tonne of bricks. that's when it'll finally hit home hard.
if you never forgive me for it [despite your undying apologies to me too]... i won't be surprised. but trust me on this when i say, you had no fault in this in my eyes. i shouldn't have done it, neither should i have to make you pay for it. but there's nothing to say to you now that can change things so i'm sorry.
sigh. life's gonna change quite a bit from now on. thank God for His help in this situation. Never wanna do it again. What was i thinking.
For those who aren't who this post is written to, Please, don't ask what this post is about. respect my privacy enuf to be mature when i say i won't and don't want this information to be passed to anyone. thank you and i'm sorry to you too.
